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Steak and Fries

Posted on by jacquelyncommander

On a random Tuesday during lunch, they shouted out steak and fries.

High school boys say some strange things I thought.

What’s steak and fries?

A simple question I did ask.

Turns out I misheard, and what they really said to me was hey there goes thunder thighs.

And as their loud obnoxious laughter crossed that narrow street – I died a little in the noise.

The thunder thighs they shouted about had trouble holding me up,

and couldn’t stop me from feeling destroyed.

That day those boys bought into this torture and decided it would remain.

They consciously choose to never refrain.

You see, they were called the popular ones.

But they had no real reason,

for mean and nasty is never in season.

But when your 15 the world is so strange.

Gross is celebrated while kind slowly is forced to change.

I suffered alone as they mercifully screamed steak and fries

whenever I was in their eyes.

It boiled down to me against them.

As the adults in my life never arrived.

I took it and took it – they even followed me home.

Block after block,

Week after week,

Year after year.

They kept this game strong.

But I fought back by standing tall on the thunder thighs that started it all.

A few years went by, and I finally packed up and left.

Sad and depressed, but I covered it well.

For me and these thighs discovered quite a thing.

Simply leaving helps your soul heal, open up, and begin to feel safe enough to be seen.

To create your own story – where you learn from your past – where you dig deep down inside

and discover none of the teenage shit ever lasts.  

Those words from 1981 to 1983 Weehawken may still sting just a bit when I allow myself to remember,

but my thighs and I,

we stand proud in my life that is now happy, healthy, larger, greater, and better than anything or anyone from my past.

So here’s to steak and fries, and my thunder thighs.

May we always continue to write it all down and rise!

The night the Counting Crows saved me

Posted on by jacquelyncommander

As it slid across

I didn’t feel a thing,

because my pain was already too deep.

My phone didn’t ring.

There was no knock at my door.

I was alone,

like every night before.

In the background though,

I heard his voice.

As he sang,

“Mama Mama Mama, why am I so alone cause I can’t go outside I’m scared I might not make it home”.

I turned and smiled just a bit.

Suddenly so aware.

I can hear the music and how he sings.

And for me, it’s like someone deep in prayer.

So I put the pressure on, and I picked up the phone.

Time passed and some of the broken parts got patched up.

I worked hard – I worked on facing every blow while

singing every word to each of those songs from the Counting Crows.

They truly saved me that night.

And still do today.

Their music makes me know that tomorrow there will be some form of light,

And all I need to do is stay and write…..

Words matter

Posted on by jacquelyncommander

You said the words,

they left your mouth.

They were clear and defined.

It’s almost like – finally – you’ve allowed your mind,

to open up and let your feelings fly.

But – What to do now?

Because the one your words landed on,

the one who has been there for it all,

the one that helped, and cared, and listened.

She’s turned away – so now your backs against the wall.

And maybe it’s for good this time,

you begin to fear.

So you try some new words,

maybe these she’ll hear       —–     differently.

Just claim you were mad,

didn’t mean what you said.

Begin to tell her don’t be so crazy – it’s all in your head.

Try to pretend away the words you said when in front of all others.

For they don’t see how you turn the tables around,

even if they are your sisters or brothers.

But once words are out — you can’t put them back,

because they really do matter and that’s just a fact.

In time though you’ll learn and write and discover,

how to only allow your own words to matter to you

more than any other

Alone at midnight

Posted on by jacquelyncommander

She lays on the green bed.

Asleep but always aware.

The clock has just hit the midnight hour.

She looks as if she will leave for the picnic soon.

Shirt tucked into pants that fit.

Hair as the morning before.

Her attack face on.

In the darkness, she feels the presence begin.

A touch – A tug, and when her body rises,

Her heart stops for just a moment.

Her head bangs hard against the radiator across the room.

Awake but always aware.

She sees the green bed where she used to lay.

The clock has just hit the midnight hour.

15

Posted on by jacquelyncommander

15          Death has come for her, but it’s left me all alone

15           I’m confused and I don’t know what to do

15           I hate myself slowly with each passing day

15           They all show up to watch me cover her with dirt

I don’t know what to say

15          I learn to keep walking even though they pile up on me

They all seem to enjoy my hurt

15           I’m not safe at school and I’m not safe at home

They all laugh and make me a joke

The verbal beatings begin to take their toll

But she died and left no plan for her baby girl that the world now slams

Her death closed her chance, so the girl just cries

No one cares as they attack her, so the girl’s spirit slowly dies

She abuses her body and hurts her heart

No one ever comes to her rescue

She realizes – it’s been this way from the start

15           She never planned for the one daughter that would be left behind

15           She wasn’t loved enough by the mother

15           It’s here the lesson was learned to never trust another

Tea and Bread

Posted on by jacquelyncommander

She wore the same clothes, and no one noticed because she covered the smell with holy water.

That hair,

it was as lifeless as her eyes.

Those teeth,

they went in and out.

Those words,

they came from every direction.

Days turned into years, and I almost forgot.

Then out of the blue my mind hears, that voice.

As it screamed for tea and bread, always from the bed bought by the incarcerated one.

Fear flowed like my blood on the bathroom floor.

That house was not made of glass.

All mouths afraid to speak.

Just watching her from a distance, always knowing that Queen Bees can sting, even when their hands are clenched in prayer.

If gates fly open for her,

I’ll burn like her voice in my mind.

———

I have been writing poems ever since the age of 15, as a way to save myself. I wrote this particular poem way way back in 1984. I have recently come to the realization that I am a writer. I have always been one. It makes it easier for me now to claim this fact because I have my first ever children’s book published. I am aware though, that while I have always been a writer, I need to take care of the writer, my feelings, by learning how to speak.

So today, Friday, January 27, 2023 I have made this post on my blog, but I have also posted my very first TikTok video. You can find it at @jacquelyncommander on TikTok, This is where you can HEAR Tea and Bread.

I DID IT!!!!!!

Posted on by jacquelyncommander

I am a published author – I feel so proud of myself. I cannot even find the words.

This has been a dream of mine since I am 15 years old. Today at 57 I am overwhelmed, but in a good way.

Please check out Marvin the Mouse In search of the Perfect Christmas Present on Amazon, Google, or Archway Publishing.

Ok, once I stop crying I will post all of the proper links.

GO AFTER YOUR DREAMS!

It’s ok to remember

Posted on by jacquelyncommander

Most times when I think about my past, I’m always brought back to the time when my whole world just stopped.  May 2, 1981, 6:30 p.m. to be exact.  And at 6:31 p.m., when it all started up again, I was 15 years old, and a motherless child.

I am fully aware that I am not the first human who never knew her father, whose single mother died young, and then was left in the hands of someone who just couldn’t hold all the weight.  I know there are far too many of us.  But, I am the one who, through my pain, discovered my poetry.  My words offer a chance to see into me.  My story has scars, it may scare some people, and it may make many people uncomfortable. These words on paper helped me discover that no matter what the reaction, it’s ok to remember and give your memory a voice.

I remember

I remember even though I knew she had stopped breathing,

I still put my finger under her nose, I knew, for the last time.

Two weeks in a coma and now, there was no air.

I remember walking quietly into the little pink bathroom and letting the giggle leave.

Was laughing just a nervous reaction? Or did part of my sanity just escape from my lips?

I remember getting up and just running.

Thinking only–where am I going to go?

I remember knowing that if I go back into that house,

I do not belong.

I remember watching them lift her out of the bed.

I remember watching them place her on the stretcher.

I remember watching them cover her up.

I remember them leaving with her and not me.

I remember I was 15, and my mother was gone, forever.

I remember now I have to live with all I can’t remember.

Registration Number TXu 2-306-672

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I swear drama is not my middle name, it’s Patricia

Posted on by jacquelyncommander

I am usually the first one on the dance floor. I can walk into a room and start up a conversation whether I know people or not. Within 10 minutes of meeting new people, most times I spill the tea that my father left in the middle of the night on New Year’s Eve and never came back when I was 3, or how my mother died when I was 15. Or what happened to me after my mother’s death. So I admit it, because it’s true, I’m a bit dramatic.

However, this day, Sunday, July 24, 2022 falls into the category more on my husbands speed, quiet and calm. He and I first did some yard work, then some house work, and then we decided to go out and get a late lunch and a cocktail or two.

We live in Frederick, Maryland for the past 21 years. Frederick is a quaint town with a charming downtown. Frederick downtown is packed with fabulous restaurants and shops, and Sean and I have visited them all. Our new favorite spot to go eat has been Magoo’s Pub & Eatery, and this is where this story starts.

Frederick, MD along with the rest of the world, has been experiencing a serious heat wave the past few days. It has hovered near 100 degrees. This Sunday it was in the high 90’s and the air was still and thick. I put on an adorable light blue sun dress, hair up, some silver hoops, white flips, and off we went. We parked down by the creek so we could take the nice walk to the restaurant. I noticed right away, that we couldn’t even buy a breeze. It was hot.

When we got to Magoo’s, I felt sweaty, but nothing too bad. As soon as we walked in, I forgot how sweaty I was and I was happy to be there. Magoo’s is small, but has a really cool vibe. Sean and I love to sit at the bar. The bartender was very friendly and we ordered waters and our drinks. I got a margarita on the rocks and Sean got a beer. We placed our food order and begin to enjoy our Sunday spontaneous date. Our conversation was flowing, and I was already telling the bartender about my new blog. See, I can talk to anyone! The appetizers came out, and we continued to chat. Sean and I talked like we always do. We’ve been together for 25 years, married for 23, and we still enjoy dating each other. When our meals came out, I was done with the first margarita, so I ordered another. I ordered their salmon burger. It’s delicious. It has thinly sliced cucumbers, tomatoes, lettuce, and red onions on it. Spectacular. Couple bites in though, I started to worry. I became aware of the back of my thighs. Such a strange feeling. They felt clammy. We at this point have been at the restaurant for over 30 minutes, and I am curious as to why I still am feeling sweaty.

I told you about my adorable dress, and I thought, let me stand up for a minute. My thought was I don’t want to have my dress get all wrinkled or god forbid wet from my sweat. As I stood up, I knew it was about to become dramatic!

My face felt clammy and my eyes, they felt strange. I looked at Sean and he had that look like – ok, here we go. I told him “I feel a little funny”. He stood up and I just gently placed my forehead on his chest. As I leaned into Sean, things got worse.

There have been a handful of times where I’ve found myself in this fainting situation. It’s not a regular thing, but it happens more then it should. This time it sprung up on me fast. The only thing I remember next is having a straw by my mouth and someone other then Sean saying “take a sip of this”. This next sentence is just what Sean told me. He said I fainted, and he was holding me up when the owner of Magoo’s caught a glimpse of us and said “Is she ok?” Sean said “No”. She said “Is she diabetic?” Sean said “No”. So Jennifer came over quickly with a cup filled with regular Coke, which is sort of funny because I like Pepsi. I was aware of the two of them, so I knew I was coming back around. The sips of Coke had made me feel better. I continued to slowly sip the Coke and felt all the eyes on me. The bartender said to me that she thought I was just hugging Sean. I guess I have learned to faint inconspicuously.

Everyone was so kind to me afterwards. Making sure I was ok and offering all the reasons why this could happen to anyone. After a while, Sean paid our bill, took my hand, and we walked outside. He said to me as we walked back to our car, “I should have known to get you something to drink.” I think he and I learned especially during a heat wave, I probably should drink way more water, not drink my first cocktail with no food, and park closer to the restaurant.

I hope if nothing else from reading this post you have learned that if you are ever in Frederick, Maryland or its surrounding areas, please stop by https:magoosfrederick.com because at Magoo’s Pub & Eatery, they are serving up kindness.

“And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.”

Posted on by jacquelyncommander

― Sylvia Plath

Guts. That’s what this is taking. Guts.

I have a fabulous way of visualizing all of my next steps. I can clearly see how I want something to go, how it should go, and how it will go. I see it. In full color. The thing I’ve always struggled with is actually doing the steps. The thought of someone not liking my work would be all it would take for me to stall. I couldn’t muster up the guts to put into action what I so clearly saw in my head. I will give a quick example. I wrote a children’s story when I was 28, way back in 1993. Yep….29 years ago. I love it. It’s a wonderful story that I am so incredibly proud of. Yet even though I’ve made countless New Year’s resolutions that this would be the year that I would, at the very least, copyright the story, it never happened. It always seemed easy enough when I thought about it and made my plan, but I just never had the guts to do it.

Finally, I have gotten to the point in my life where I simply do not place so much emphasis on what others think of my writing. Admittedly, this is new territory for me, but losing the weight of other peoples opinions of me and my work, has been very freeing. While there are still times I get in my own way, I am happy and proud to say that I have now in my possession the copyright for my unpublished story, Marvin the Mouse In Search Of The Perfect Christmas Present. I recognize this is one small step, and may not seem like much of an accomplishment, but I had the guts to go on to the next step; which is more then I can say for my past self. Another added bonus is that it has stirred up some more guts!

I decided to start (again) this blog to share my writing with everyone. I know I am ready for it to come with whatever it comes with. I am excited for it all because my story, my thoughts, my feelings, and my writings really need a place to go. They deserve more then just me. In this heavy social media world we all live in, most of us have become somewhat programmed to place value on our work, photos, experiences, and such by the number of “likes” we receive on the platform we selected to share those moments on. I realize that I just want to experience as much as I can. I am in control of most of that. The joy I get from writing fills me to the brim. If someone likes it, well that’s an added bonus because I want my words to be helpful, but my focus is to go for more and show up with guts.

Back in the day, I used to always say “I want to be a famous writer”. Seems strange at 56 to have such an easy time admitting just how ridiculous that makes me feel now. What I want now is to live and enjoy the process. I want to be honest. I want to be brave. I want be present with my past, present, and future. I want to speak my truth. I want to be real with my feelings, words, and even my worry. I want others to have that same freedom. Most of all, I just want to write.

I’m proud of myself. I am looking forward to this journey with guts and grace, and I hope that I will meet some new friends along the way.